


Epic Struggle

by Es_Aitch



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:52:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Tenth Doctor's Journey during the End of Time.  A story told in nine parts, mostly from the viewpoint of the TARDIS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. From Mars to Earth

**Author's Note:**

> Additional character tags will be added as the story is published due to spoilers.
> 
> Also, please note that this was written a LONG time before "The Doctor's Wife" so any similarities between my interpretation of the TARDIS and Neil Gaiman's is purely incidental.

He was suffering so, my constant companion, my Doctor. He was again faced with the pain, suffering and death of his beloved humans. I heard the echoes of the humans through his mind. He could have turned the communications link off, but as typical for him, he forced himself to listen; to be a part of it as much as he could; to suffer with them.

I tried to wrap myself around him, to draw him closer to myself. I helped him take each painful step. I was suffering too. Not that I could tell him that – that would have surely driven him to a place from which he would never return. As the humans began to be taken by the Flood, he began to push me farther and farther away. It was not as horrible as it had been after his experience on Midnight – he did not toss me out of his mind, but he was keeping me locked in a small corner.

I knew the moment it happened; the moment he changed. It had been coming for so very long. He had simply endured too much. It had all started with Adric, truth be told. He never did recover from that brave youngling sacrificing his life to protect the Doctor… and me. I was reminded of the words of Mr. Finch, “You’re something new.” He was! But, in that moment, I felt the very deepest parts of myself being torn in two. For the first time in my life I was terrified of the Doctor. More scared than I had been during the Time War. I was more pained than when I was in the Heart of the _Crucible_. “Doctor! What have you become? NO!!!”

I felt the key in the door, but not my Doctor’s presence. What is this? It’s not right! I tried to close the doors, but whatever the creature was, it had the power to overwhelm me. I felt controls being used and buttons being pressed. _Only my Doctor would know this! Who are you_? Once the hand break had been released, I had no choice but to obey the commands set. He did not even greet me, when he brought the humans aboard. I tried to get his attention. I tried to explain how wrong this was. He still had me locked in the tiny corner of his mind. I was no longer a companion to him. I was only a tool, a trick of his trade. _He’s becoming the Master_!

I materialize at the point he had set: Earth, 21 November 2059. I was too afraid of him to not do his bidding. They all leave me and I am left to my own thoughts. His words to his human self echo throughout me, “ _What have you done_?” Then I feel her strength. She was going to challenge him! _Oh, sweet Adelaide! If I can’t reach him, I can help you!_ I hear him reply with, “Tough” and my agony is complete! It may already be too late….

As she moves closer to me, I surround her with myself. They are still her words, but I can help her formulate them and perhaps he will understand what has happened to him. I try to help her understand that her timeline must be reestablished. Not so much for the sake of human history, but to save the Doctor. She likes him, even admires him, which is why she is so willing to challenge him – try to make him see.

“Not anymore.” The words hang in the air like a terrible omen. I sense it almost before she does. Her resolve is set. I do not know what she is planning, save that she now understands that the timeline must be set as close as possible. I myself had not quite expected her to do that. I feel the Doctor realize the change in timelines, he slumps against me. I feel him desiring my support, but I withdraw, “You have done this, Doctor. I cannot help you!”

I am not certain what he saw in the snow. Only that it made him realize what he had done. I was grateful, but there was still the matter of the two of us to resolve. He was still refusing me access to him so as I spoke, I sounded the Cloister Bell. “ _The Time Lord Victorious? How could you? After all these years, how can you say that? You have become that which you’ve most hated: arrogant, power hungry and vengeful. You had said your human-self was full of “Blood and Anger and Revenge.” But it was you, dear Doctor. Davros was right in principle, if wrong in delivery: the description you gave your human-self is a reflection of yourself! Unless you stop this, you ARE “The Destroyers of Worlds!”_

He had only one word to say to me, “No!”

And he released the handbrake.


	2. The Great Magellan Gestalt

_"The Heart of the Doctor is revealed." Davros_

_"I decreed no more!" Dalek Caan_

_"That's who I am. The Time Lord Victorious." The Doctor_

_"You have done this, Doctor. I cannot help you." The TARDIS (Epic Struggle)_

* * *

 

There was only one place to go right now. I needed space and time to think and process. So, I went to the Great Magellan Gastalt. The Phosphorous Carousel to be exact. It is a place where the building blocks of the universe spin ever outward, creating, dying and creating again. All taking place in a never ending circle. Well, now never ending, it's what Davros tried to destroy so long ago. The whole of creation can be seen in this one small gap. Oh not the way anyone else would be able to recognize it, but for me. I can see it all.

She wants to offer me healing... I know... my TARDIS. But she can't. What I did to her, the way I treated her... It was worse than the Master turning her into the Paradox Machine. She trusted me and I betrayed that in the worst possible way. I've completely ignored her sentient aspects. I've gone to treating her simply as a machine.

_Breathe in and out, tears will do me no good._

If any of my companions could see me now, they would tell me to take a break, that I just need some rest and I'll be back to being "good as new." Even my TARDIS wants to fix me.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE FIXED!"

Agh, screaming like that in this environment wasn't the wisest move I've ever made. Still, I don't. Not really. Besides, if I'm honest with myself, I CAN'T be fixed. She should understand that! She was there! She knows what I did! It's best to distance myself right now. She hates me for it, but she'll get over it - eventually.

"Fix"

The word passes my lips as a mirthless smirk. And I stare into creation happening. I know they mean well. They mean that they want me to be healed. But, they don't know... they don't understand - those wonderful, ape-ish, brilliant humans!

I killed them... all of them. My family, my friends, my people and my planet. How can I possibly hope to heal from that? There's no one to show me the way through that... no one has ever done this before. No one has ever sacrificed everything - literally everything... to save the whole of creation. There is no one I can talk to about these things, because anything they imagine in their minds pales in comparison to the reality.

I have nothing to compare myself to, now. There's nothing to ground me... no one to stop me. Of course, Adelaide did, in her own way. Killing herself was one way she could stop me. Then, Ood Sigma appeared in the snow. Oh, I know it was just a vision and nothing more... but he was there. Standing silently. His silence somehow serving as a witness and condemnation for my actions. I can't go to them, not just yet.

"Healing"

The word comes out as a sigh.

"I DON'T KNOW HOW!"

I didn't learn from the first time and now my throat hurts worse. I do want healing, if I stop to think about it. I want healing... and forgiveness. I think that's why I'm apologizing every time I turn around in this incarnation. I can't say the phrase, "I'm sorry" enough. The problem is, no one responds with, "I forgive you." Really, that's all I want to hear.

Martha and Jack thought I was nuts to have said that to the Master... but they don't understand the power those words have. More powerful than, "I love you," I think. But, they don't think to utter those words to me... perhaps I'm beyond forgiveness. Of course, considering what I've done, I'm certain I am beyond hope.

I'm no closer to an answer or a solution than when I got here. I'm not even sure I can put the question into words.

I hear a warning grind coming from the TARDIS. I walk in and look at the monitor. Ah! A planet in trouble. Just what I need.

"ALLONS-Y!"


	3. A Red Carnivorous Mole

TARDIS:

He stumbled back my way. He was horribly wounded; not that he would admit that to anyone. I had not wanted to bring him here, nor indeed to warn him of the danger to begin with. But, he just seemed so destitute when we were in the Phosphorous Carousel. Watching creation happen - any amount of creation - usually cheered him. But, that day, he seemed to only spiral deeper and deeper into his own horror. I did not know how to stop him, how to rescue him. Though, by the few thoughts I had access too, I could tell he did not want to be saved, no matter how much I might want to. My very core shook as I thought about how he felt when the Master had refused to regenerate.

_Didn't he know he was doing the same to me right now?_

When I picked up the planetary distress signal, I notified him. Not out of fear of what he would do to me if I had not... but because I was terrified for him - of where his train of thoughts would lead. Perhaps if he had someone and something to save, he would recognize the need within himself...

_I should have known._

He took the opportunity to try to end his life as he would see fit: a blaze of glory! Though, I am not sure how much glory a red carnivorous mole would offer. To be fair, it was five meters tall and nearly as wide, but still... a mole of all things. Then, at the last minute the few inhabitants of the planet came to his rescue. He, of course, refused all manner of help, once they had gotten him free of the mole parts he had become buried under. And now he is returning to me...

 

* * *

 

 

The Doctor:

I finally see her in the distance, my TARDIS. My entire body is on fire with pain. Everything I do hurts: moving, standing still, breathing. It seemed like a good idea at the time: answering a planetary distress signal. What am I saying? Those things always lead to my near destruction. Only this time... This time it wasn't supposed to be so near.

_How much farther?_

It was a bit incidental - almost like surviving the Time War - I had not planned to survive. Now, I'm in so much pain, I wish I hadn't. My clothes did not offer much protection against the long nails of the mole - nearly 30 centimeters each. My skin is nearly as shredded as the suit. That's really painful, when I think about it... the cloth is rubbing against the pealed skin and tugging on it a bit. Ow!

_Maybe ten meters now._

I can feel the drops of blood sliding down my body. If I concentrate enough, I might see it only as sweat. Yes, that makes it a bit more bearable. Just a bit. Agh! This is actually worse than what happened to me in the Nestene feeding grounds. Not really a memory I need surfacing right now...

_Only a few meters to go._

I don't deserve for her to respond. I don't expect her help... I raise my hand and snap my fingers,

"Please..."

The doors don't open all the way, but I hear an audible click and they crack a bit. I enter my TARDIS and slump against the doors to close them. Actually, that hurts quite a bit. I take off what's left of my coat and it falls next to the strut instead of on it. I lean forward onto the strut. I don't deserve her support, but with the contact, the pain fades a bit. I must be in worse shape than I thought, if she's helping me.

_Keep moving..._

I slowly make my way to the console and use the preset to send us to the Vortex. I barely have enough energy to release the hand-brake. I have to get to the med-bay. I sigh, expecting it to be quite far away. Given how weak our connection has been since... Well, yes, since then... She's probably over taxing our link by aiding with the pain. I push open the door and to my great relief, the med-bay is the first door on the right.

"Thank you."

I spoke out loud. There was too much pain to try to communicate telepathically. I strip what's left of my suit and collapse on the nearest bed. Even laying down is extremely painful. It is rare that I allow myself to get to this point of helplessness - at least when I'm on my own. I haven't been like this since the Time War.

 

* * *

 

Both (third person):

The phrase crossed his mind: the Time War. She knew he was questioning if they were meant to survive it at all. The most she could do right now is aid with his pain levels. But, their connection has been iffy since the Mars incident and the effort she has to put forth is quite draining. His dark mood is not helping - either of them. And there is not much she can do beyond what she already is doing.

" _I don't want to hurt you_ ," she told him.

Ultimately, she had no choice. To maintain the support will mean a power drain on other systems, not a wise move even if they are just hovering in the Vortex. She knew she had no choice and she was pretty sure he knew it too. She dropped all the aid she was offering him. He screamed in horrible pain for nine point two-seven-eight seconds and then slipped into pain filled unconsciousness. Well, unconsciousness is relative because it allowed the link to be maintained more easily. His conscious blocks would not be in the way now.

" _I'm sorry... I..._." she tried to apologize.

He stopped her, " _You did what you had to do_."

They were in silence for a time.

She pleaded, " _Talk to me_."

" _There's nothing to say. You know what I am and what I've done. You know where all this is heading... what will happen. I want it on my terms. And I'm in no rush for it to happen_ ," he replied calmly.

She tried to keep him talking but snorted at the last bit, " _Sorry... You could've fooled me_."

 The equivalent of an indignant stare was his reply.

 " _What? Think I wouldn't notice? Think you could go in there 'guns a blazing' and I wouldn't know what was up_?" she pressed.

 He's silent. She hated it when he's silent. Especially now.

 She encouraged, " _I can help you... but you have to let me._ "

 He tried to move away from her. When that did not work, he tried to block her out.

 Her tone held nothing but compassion, " _I am sorry, my dear Doctor, not this time_."

 She slowly opened his mind, like the Spring opens the petals of a flower. As she did, she poured into his mind all of her love and care for him. Then she slowly added in all the good they had done for the universe. She then showed him what the universe would be like without him. She offered him her knowledge of what the universe would look like without him. She opened his mind further to show him what the time-lines of all of his companions would have been without his existence.

" _No! Stop. Please_ ," he begged.

He was pretty sure where this was headed and he had no desire to traverse that path.

His beloved friend pressed on. The TARDIS revealed to him what the universe would look like if he had died during the Time War. The Daleks would not have had to create Human-Daleks because they created Time Lord-Daleks. They held all the power of time and space. And they marched across the galaxies and the parallel universes in any TARDIS they had acquired and destroyed everything because they were gods and they could.

It was about that time that the Doctor completely broke down. The TARDIS ceased the onslaught of images immediately. She nestled close to him, sorrow heavy in her heart for what she had done to him. 

When he could finally form a coherent thought he offered, " _I can't go on like this_ " 

Her reply was a mixture of emotions: healer, parent, friend, confessor, lover, " _No, you can't_."


	4. Named a Galaxy Alison

When the Doctor was mostly recovered from his wounds of the previous adventure, the TARDIS began to take him on a series of short jumps. She refused to tell him why. No matter how many times he hit her with the mallet nor how much she shocked him, they had arrived at a stale-mate. It was her will against his and she was winning, which was infuriating to him!

Finally, the Doctor thought to check the message center. It was full. Full - all the storage space of the TARDIS and the message center was full! He was horrified to learn he had missed the _456_ while he had been fighting and recovering from the Mole. A part of him considered re-writing that history. Sure it was a "Fixed Point" and it actually would have been oh, so much worse without Jack's involvement. But he could make it _better_ , could he not? But, with Jack involved, there really was no way he could. " _Time Lord Victorious, indeed_!" he soughed to himself. One small, immortal human had created a time-line which even he could not manipulate.

Instead of going after Jack, he went to see Sarah Jane and Gwen. He needed to know exactly what he was dealing with. Oh, he knew the details, the time-line, the history. But, see and understand how it affected the people? No, he would need to talk to people to get that information. This is why he hated sticking around to "clean-up." Once he had the needed information, he went back to find Jack.

It was a backwards bar on a backwards planet. Jack fought his presence at first. Not that the Doctor blamed him - but Jack would never understand just how right he was to hate him. The Doctor could smell the poisonous drink even from three tables away. He sighed shaking his head, Jack could not die, so he was making his physical life as hard as possible. The Doctor knew Jack was at a low enough point that he might just accept his presence.

It took a bit, but when the flood gates opened, the very depths of the Doctor's hearts and soul ached with the the hurt Jack expressed. Jack told him the story about how he had used his grandson to defeat the _456_. The Doctor could hear the horror in Jack's voice as he described the military holding Alice down so they could take Stephen. But, the Doctor's hearts absolutely broke when Jack addressed him by name. Jack's speech was muffled as he was trying to hold back the tears, "Oh God, Doctor, you should have heard her scream when she finally held him, my poor Alice and Ste-." Jack broke off, unable to say the name. More softly, Jack stated, "I didn't even let her say goodbye..."

"Jack," the Doctor said, commanding Jack's attention, "I _wanted_ to find you."

The Doctor had to offer that truth to Jack. After hearing that story, the pair of them had so much more in common than they had differences. The Doctor continued, "This is too much to go through on your own," the Doctor sighed.

"Oh, really," Jack's eyes had become an icy-blue against the red background of tears being held in, "It's too much for a stupid, immortal ape. But a great and mighty Time Lord can do it alone?"

Jack's words and tone cut through the Doctor like a knife. Jack could not possibly know what had happened on Mars! It simply was not possible!  The Doctor's words were barely above a whisper, "That's not fair, Jack."

Jack raised his voice in reply, "Oh, I think it is! Y-you came here to rub your self-righteous Time Lord self in my face. Proving how you can so easily move on from one tragedy to the next. You came here because I'm falling apart and y-you are so d-disappointed in me and you'll keep me in the T-TARDIS like you planned to do with the M-Master. B-because the universe is not s-safe with me around."

Tears were streaming down the Captain's cheeks, but he did not notice. Though his words were like venom, he was cowering in his chair, afraid of the wrath of the Oncoming Storm.  The Doctor looked at Jack, sorrow filling him and continued his soft voice, "If that is how you feel, then I have only one thing to say to you."

The Doctor swept in quickly, before Jack had a chance to react. The Doctor draped his arms around Jack and pulled him into a hug. Finally, the Doctor spoke, "It's not your fault."

He paused for a moment, "Jack, it's not your fault."

Jack tried weakly to fight against the Doctor, both in words and actions. All the while, the Doctor was repeating, "It's not your fault," never releasing his hug.  As the Doctor was resting his chin on top of Jack's head, several tears escaped the Doctor's eyes and landed quietly in Jack's hair. After several minutes, both men became aware of their surroundings and reclaimed their composure. Jack met the Time Lord's eyes as he tried to control his tears, "I'm sorry."

It was two simple words, but everything that Jack Harkness was at that moment was summed up in them. The Doctor looked at him with an expression that contained nothing but compassion and love. He spoke only two words, "I'm not." 

The Doctor's words were as simple as Jack's, but as Jack's had been to apologize for everything about himself, the Doctor's was about accepting everything about Jack. "Come on," the Doctor finally said softly, "There's something I want to show you."

Jack reluctantly got up and followed. The Doctor set the coordinates and when the TARDIS was hovering in the proper location, the Doctor brought Jack to the TARDIS doors and opened them.  Before them was one of the few major spiraling galaxies visible from Earth. The Doctor explained in what would be considered "plain English." He knew Jack was in no place for his impressive "space talk." Besides, he did not need to impress Jack and he knew it. "We're in the constellation with the Earth Designation of Virgo. And that," the Doctor pointed to the galaxy, "Has the Earth designation of M-58."

Jack looked at it and was mesmerized by the swirls and the way the colors started at a deep magenta on the out skirts and then burned nearly white at the center.  Jack spoke before he could stop himself, "It's beautiful."

The Doctor nodded, "It's also unique. It's one of the few galaxies with only two super-novas in the entire universe."

The Doctor paused, unsure if Jack was ready for what he was about to offer, "It's also the only system visible from Earth that is yet to be named."

Jack's blue eyes pierced the Doctor's brown ones with an unasked question. The Doctor shrugged as he leaned his arm against the TARDIS doors, looking out, "I have connections... I could, you know, get it named. Not officially as far as Earth is concerned, but through the Shadow Proclamation... Named for all of time and space..."

He broke off and watched Jack intently.  Jack whispered, "Two super-novas?"

The Doctor nodded gently. Jack did not notice and continued with his thoughts, "One for each of them... the two most important people I've lost..."

He broke off, the Doctor knew that Jack was talking about Stephen and Ianto. "But to name it..." Jack paused again.

Suddenly he straightened and spoke resolutely, "Alison!"

The Doctor cocked his head. Jack continued, "Well, Alice and Stephen - Alison, the combination of their names. That's what I'll tell her, anyway. There's also a bit of Ianto in there too."

The Doctor smiled softly and nodded his head in understanding. Jack turned to him and met his eyes, "Thank you, Doctor."

Then Jack hugged him. Both men sank to the floor each over come with accepting the grief they experienced.


	5. Her Nickname is No Longer…

Jack had not been ready to return to Earth, though the Doctor was pretty sure he would, eventually. In fact, he made it so Jack would not have much choice in the matter. He adjusted Jack's Vortex Manipulator, "One Trip is all it's good for… A return trip home," he told Jack.

Of course, he did not just abandon Jack as he had so long ago… He just did not want anyone around. So, he dropped Jack off to the place and time of Jack's choosing. The Doctor, on the other hand, was quite ready to return to his single, solitary life.  Jack had wanted (and offered) to stay with him. The Doctor of course had turned him down, without much of an explanation. He hoped he had not been too transparent to Jack. Jack had his own issues to deal with and the Doctor did not want to burden him with any of his own. No, being alone was best right now. He would probably step away from the TARDIS, if he could…

 _Bit of a hermit_ …

He had once uttered those words to the Master, well, Professor Yana. Now, he could not even claim to be a "Hermit with Friends." Well, maybe Friend. She would not let him leave her… He knew that. But, he would leave her, if she would survive without him. Being the cause of her death was the one thing that would destroy what little he felt was left of his 'true self.' He sank into the jump-seat. He needed to talk to someone… someone who would understand.

" _I'm right here_ …" Her soothing voice echoed through his all too empty head.

He sighed while speaking aloud, "I'm sorry, old friend, you're just not human enough."

She sighed in return, “ _You just dropped one off_ …”

He lifted his head, in an effort to meet a pair of eyes he knew didn't exist, "He knows me too well. He has his own burdens now. He doesn't need me weighing him down."

He felt her sadly agreeing with him, but he couldn't identify the specific cause of her sorrow. He smirked sadly as he realized she was shutting him out as much as he was blocking her.

" _We won't get through this_." The thought popped into his head and across their bond before he could block it.

He felt her recoil, but she offered no reply.

"I'm sorry. I don't really…" _think that way_. He did not speak the last part, nor did he allow her to hear it.

He knew he was lying to himself. Of course he thought that way, or he would not feel the need to apologize and she knows he feels that way, which is why she reacted the way she did. He grew frustrated with himself. He got up and started to set coordinates… London, England, 1600. Shakespeare would understand and since he had already figured him out, it would not be a shock to the system if he arrived again. Still, he would have to be careful so as not to run into Elizabeth. Whatever he had done, it was apparently bad – very bad!

The TARDIS was being on her best behavior. This surprised him, really. Until he stepped into the street and noticed that the Globe was not finished yet. This meant he would not be able to speak with Will. He cursed himself. He was only off by a year. 18-months, tops – he sighed as images from the Year-That-Never-Was crashed into his awareness. Those were images he had so carefully locked away.

* * *

He reentered the TARDIS in a panic. That had not gone well at all! He ran to the controls and put her into the Vortex. He sank into the jump-seat breathing heavily. The Queen wanted to kill him. Not that he blamed her; he did try to bring down her government. She was just so… so ruthless! She had fancied him.

He smirked, “ _In this body, who wouldn’t_?”

But, when he refused her advances, well, she did her queenly duty to protect throne and country and imprisoned him until he would say yes to marry her. When imprisonment did not work, she turned to drugging him. Or, well, she tried to drug him. She of course did not know he was alien and the drugs would not work on him. When that did not work… she had him knocked unconscious.

When he woke several hours later, he was laid out on her bed in her private chambers. He sighed with relief when he had found himself still clothed. It would be the next morning before she told him that they were married, at least in her mind. That was not the bad part, though. He discovered the shape shifter from Felspoon, which is when the real trouble started.

He befriended Shah, who helped him to avoid the queen’s advances. When Elizabeth learned of this, she had Shah beheaded. The Doctor tried to save him, when she had threatened the creature's death. He looked at her with a deadly glance and much as he had said to Prime Minister Harriett Jones, “I can bring your government down in four words.”

As Harriett had done, the queen laughed him off. The next time a guard had brought him a meal he spoke four words. Just four: “She’s not a virgin.”

When the news reached the queen she wanted to have him beheaded. When the executioner showed up he whispered, “Trust me, your life is safe in my hands, Doctor.”

The Doctor’s eyes went wide with in shock, but had little choice in the matter. He was lead to a door which opened into an alley and standing there in all her glory was his TARDIS. He looked at the executioner, “What about you?”

The executioner smiled knowingly, “I’ll tell the truth and say you vanished. We will meet again, Doctor.”

As the Doctor sat in the jump-seat, he felt an odd tingle in the back of his head… one he had not experienced since…

He jumped up and set coordinates for the Ood-sphere.


	6. Try to make an Ood Laugh…

The entire time it took to get to the Ood-sphere, the Doctor tried to quell the panic and bile that kept rising within him.

“ _You have to go…_ ” she tried to make her voice was like a warm hug on a cold day.

He nodded his head, almost afraid to speak. 

Finally, after a time, “ _Last time, they said my song would be ending soon_.” 

She nestled as close to him as he would let her, but she remained silent.  The Doctor thought about all the times he thought his song would end:  Canary Warf, the Racnoss, Titanic…  Actually, none of that was true.  The only time he thought he might truly die was when he was in Pete’s World and she (his TARDIS) was dead – at least he thought.

He felt a low rumble around him, still she said nothing, but it spoke volumes about how she felt that he had given up on her.  He thought of all the times he had teased Rose about giving up on him.  But, the TARDIS, _his_ TARDIS, the last TARDIS in existence was different.  After everything they had been through together, he should have trusted that she would not have given up without a fight.

_Will you?_

Her question pierced his hearts.  It was the ultimate question.  He did not want to die, but knowing that the end was in sight…  Did that mean he would have to go quietly?  It was Ood Sigma who had appeared to him in the snow with a gaze that was both beckoning and disapproving.  Perhaps if he could get into his good graces again… he knew that Sigma had his Hind Brain removed, but he was also patient.  Oh, so patient. 

The Doctor wondered if Sigma had some residual emotions now that he was connected to the rest of the Ood.  Then he wondered if those emotions would allow Sigma to be patient with him.  He sighed.  It was odd that the Ood would be able to reach all the way back to the 21st Century to call him, but then, he had no idea how long it had been for the Ood.

He felt he needed to break himself of the spiral of dark emotions he was facing.  In this body, he believed that the shortest distance between two creatures was a laugh.  He had never heard an Ood laugh, but then, the circumstances in which had been with them did not exactly lend itself to humor.  He was not even sure the Ood could laugh.  He smirked to himself.

_You can always try to find out._

He could not tell if her words were a suggestion or a challenge.  Oh, it was _her_ of course it was a challenge.  He checked all the settings, they would be arriving soon, he had to act quickly.  He ran to the wardrobe and gabbed something that would be more becoming of his Sixth-self:  a pink-lei.  As he was on his way out, he caught sight of a straw cowboy hat.  He smirked at himself, two things that were so different.  It made him snicker just thinking about it. 

_Can I play too?_

She was excited in her request.  It had been so long since they had done anything fun together.  He smiled up at the Central Column and flashed an image to her.  They were already linked enough that he could open the doors with a snap of the fingers, so this little trick would be no problem for either of them.

He felt her giggles roll throughout the ship.  That went a long way to lightening his mood.  It also put him in the right frame of mind for his encounter with Sigma. 

As they materialized, he recalled how the sun had reflected off the snow, so he pull out his brainy specs and darkened them as he had done during his Easter Adventure.

 

* * *

It did not exactly go according to plan.  The Doctor did not know if all Ood could not laugh, or if it was just because Sigma’s Hind Brain had been removed.  He sighed as he followed Sigma in the snow.  Then they came to an outlook.  The city was… breath-taking.  That was the only word to describe it.  He, of course, found words to express it.  The gob he had in this body was never truly “speechless”. 

That is until Sigma told him they had achieved everything in one-hundred years.  He was silent the rest of the way as Sigma led him, mulling everything over in his mind.  They invited him to share in their dreams.  When he took their hands and saw the Master… He understood the meaning of “bad dreams” and considered perhaps that is why they did not laugh.

Sigma was right… he should not have delayed…


	7. One Second Out of Sync

My Doctor stalked towards me.  The pain and agony coming off him in waves.  I knew he had finally shared his deepest fears... it was the only time he could have - the only time he would have allowed himself that level of vulnerability.  Of course, the moment he had been pushed... just a bit... he ran.  And he ran back to me.  His determination was set like stone when he entered.  He tossed his coat across the strut, less in greeting and more in... I was not sure what emotion to assign the feeling.  I did not know how to greet him.  Ever since Mars, he seemed to be spiraling into deeper despair.  I suppose, though, this time was different.  This time he knew he was going to die.  This time might be...  No, I cannot think like that.  He needs me more than ever right now and I cannot dwell upon my own mortality.

My Doctor did not even stroke the console.  Instead, he continued on into the main part of the ship.  His hearts were breaking and his mind... it felt like his mind was being torn in two.  He entered a room he rarely used.  In fact, he had not used it since before the Time War.  I had thought he had forgotten about it - I would have preferred if he had.  Even Time Lords needed space from each other.  The Presque Room was a room specially designed to give the impression of mental silence.  No Time Lord would be able to disturb him there... and unfortunately, it blocked my connection to the Doctor as well.

All I could do was wait.  Waiting has never been easy for me.  But having to wait and being effectively cut-off from my Doctor left me with an eerie sense of aloneness I had not experienced since falling into the Satan Pit, so many years ago now...  I tried to call to him, but something was interfering with our link.  I remember the joy that surged through him as he landed against me.  Now... I shudder as my pain and sorrow mix with the lingering waves of his.  Suddenly, I hear him wail in agony and distress.  What Time Lords never knew about the Presque Room is that is a one-way block.  Although they have blocked us out, we have no way of blocking them.  I feel so helpless, but I hold in my own groans.  My Doctor and I have been together so long, although our link is deadened right now, he would feel the change of vibration in the ship.

Twenty-two minutes and nineteen seconds later, my Doctor emerged.  He was crestfallen and beaten, but his concern and desire to protect others, to protect even the Master, was the stronger of the emotions.  He approached the console, "Right.  Time we ran an update I've been planning for awhile."  He knelt down and removed the panel that would give him access to my Heart.  " _Doctor_ ," I say quietly with hesitance, " _What are you doing?_ "  He glanced up to the central column and smiled sadly, "An improvement!  A little trick I picked up from the Daleks."  I shrink back in horror, " _The Daleks... But Doctor_."  He rested his hand upon the column, "I know, but I don't know what we're up against and I want you safe."  The equivalent of my shaking head reverberated throughout the whole of the ship.  My Doctor nearly fell to the floor.

"Hey, now.  Steady, my Girl.  You're sacred, but it'll be okay," he tried to calm me with his words.  " _It's not tha_ t," I replied, " _I don't..._ "  My sadness passed through my Doctor and for the briefest moments his desire to protect others buckled under the weight of it.  He backed away from the central column, holding his chest, as if that would somehow help to keep his hearts from breaking... as if that would somehow protect him from what I was feeling.  I regained my composure, " _Doctor, please... Promise me_..."  I knew I did not have to finish the statement.  He looked at me, "I'm sorry, Dear Friend, I can't.  Not this time.  Too many times I've made such a promise and too many times I've broken it." 

If I had possessed the ability to cry, I know I would have been in tears in that moment.  He lowered his hand from the column and rested both gently, lovingly on the console, "But we had the best of times, didn't we?"  I tried to make my thoughts sound lovingly grateful, " _The best_!"  It was at that point that I realized what he was planning to do.  " _Doctor_ ," my thoughts were not much more than wisps, " _If you do that... and something happens... we'll both be..._ "  He nodded his head, "I know.  Stuck.  It's a chance we have to take.  I can't risk anyone finding you, especially not the M-master.  I will not allow him to harm you in that way. Never **ever** again!"  As he spoke, my Doctor's words became more powerful and louder until he was almost screaming at the end.

My Doctor paused while collecting the remainder of his thoughts.  "Besides," his sad smile returned once again, "Consider it motivation for me to return to you."  My heart nearly leaped with joy at the prospect.  He was not giving up!  He was giving himself every possible fighting chance he could.  Although a desperate sadness still existed between us, I allowed him to do the work he needed.  Not only would it help both of us, but the work itself calmed both of us.  It was at once the most natural thing in the world for us to be doing at that moment.

When everything was set up, he ran a test.  After a successful run, he returned to me, he set the coordinates he desired and I materialized.  He was about to exit when he paused and did something he had never done in any of his incarnations:  he hugged one of my struts.  Then, he gently kissed it.  It was not out of an attempt to apologize or heal me, as it had been in the past.  He was saying goodbye, the only way he knew how.  He used no words... no at this moment, words were beneath us.  I allowed all my love and strength to penetrate him and surround him like a shield, it was the most I could offer him.

With that he exited and walked out into the wilderness in the hopes of changing his inevitable fate...


	8. I’d Be Proud…

He and Wilf were both tied and bound by the Master.  The Master, in his desire to live on had copied himself onto every human on the planet, thus making them all… well, him.  Of course, the Master had to make him as miserable as possible, then tease him as he did so, “Nothing to say, Doctor?”  Wilf, good old Wilf, always the fighter spoke up, “You let him go, you swine!”  The Doctor had to hold in a grin, he could see where Donna got her fight (and name-calling).  Still, he knew the Master would not let either of them go.  At least, not willingly.

The Master redirected his attention to Wilf, “Your dad’s still kicking up a fuss!”  He had said that as an insult to both of them.  At least in the Master’s mind, there would be nothing more insulting than for a Time Lord to be the child of a human.  As for Wilf, it was a comment about his age.  But, then Wilf responded, “I’d be proud if I was.”  The Doctor swallowed hard, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him.  His whole life, all he ever wanted was to be accepted… to be good enough, smart enough, brave enough… to be enough that someone might just take a bit of notice of him.  Well, not just any notice:  people noticed him all the time; it is what kept getting him into trouble, much like he was right now.  But to be noticed in a positive way… not just for saving a planet or the universe, but simply for being him. 

Secretly that is why he loved Donna so much.  She somehow had understood that Earthlings were as alien to him as he was to them.  And yet, that only frightened her that very first time.  As they journeyed together that next time, she simply accepted him as he was.  That was what was so healing for him and one of the reasons why loosing her had hurt so much.  What happened to her, more than anything, made him realize how much he hurts those he loves.  He had told Jackson Lake that he would not travel with people again because they break his hearts.  But, that was only a part of it.  He simply did not want to be the cause of anymore pain and suffering for them.  Donna had been the last proof of that. 

It was better to be alone than to think about the pain and suffering his very existence seemed to inflect upon others.  Joan Redfern’s question burned in his ears, “If the Doctor had never visited us, if he'd never chosen this place on a whim...would anyone here have died?”  For the protection of everyone, it was better that he traveled alone.  But, of course, that has solved nothing… because now everyone was dead – converted into being the Master.  Agh!  He was worse than the Cybermen!  The ringing of a cell phone crashed into his thoughts. 

The Master looked at the Doctor for any indication of the Doctor knowing who it might be.  The Doctor did all he could to keep his face dead-pan.  He had said only a few hours earlier that “She’s still fighting for us.  The DoctorDonna!”  So the only person it could be would be her.  He swallowed hard, knowing the next bit would be difficult for Wilf, but deep inside, he was pleased that it had worked.  He had sealed her mind in such a way as to protect her.  At least if everything went according to plan that is what would happen.  He swallowed thickly again.  Wilf was explaining to the Master about the metacrisis.  The Master spoke sarcastically, “Oh he loves playing with Earth Girls.”  The Doctor swallowed again, since he could not speak.  He knew the Master would go after her now… and he had a glimmer of a doubt that it might not work.

The Master was now taunting Wilf, oh how the Doctor wished there was something he could do right now.  Anything would be better than being bound and gagged.  Although the Doctor was across the room, Donna was shouting so loud, he could make out the words she was saying.  Her mind was beginning to unpack all the information he had so carefully tucked away.  Wilf was now begging her to stop.  The Doctor’s hearts were racing and breaking at the same time.  Now, he would know if his plan worked or not.  He held his breath.  His respiratory by-pass actually kicked in.

He knew the moment the Master looked at him that it had worked.  He could not help but smile so broadly, the Master could probably see it even through the gag.  As the look of shock spread across the Master’s features, the Doctor winked.  Oh yes!  It had worked and put others to sleep at the same time!  He could not have planned it better if he had been standing next to Donna at that moment.  Oh, he always knew she was brilliant!

The Master stalked over to him and finally removed the gag.  The Master was staring at him, his eyes begging for an explanation.  He appeased the Master, but spoke more for Wilf’s benefit, “Do you think I’d leave my best friend without a defense mechanism?”  Wilf’s voice was panicked, so the Doctor had to answer him, “It’s alright, I promise, she’ll just sleep.”  The Master moved in front of him, blocking his view of Wilf and asked about the TARDIS.  Of course he would… Oh, does he ever come up with anything new?  Always after his TARDIS!  There was only one way to distract him:  appeal to his ego.  But, him being him… it’s never just about distracting the Master.  If at all possible he has to save him!  The Master faltered for a moment, asking about the noise in his head.  So, of course he offered to help.  He had saved Donna, maybe he really was good enough to help the Master.  The Master asked what he would be without the noise that had been his constant companion.  And that made the Doctor wonder what he would be if he went back to being the last of his kind, if he again had nothing but the deafening silence in his head.  He offered the Master all his honesty in that moment, “I wonder what I’d be without you.”

The “rescue” left something to be desired.  But he would do what he always did: work with what he had!  And Wilf, had so much faith in him.  Wilf trusted him completely to get everyone out of this mess… to save everyone one last time.  He knew if he could rewire the heating circuits that he might be able to power the ship up.  Besides, tinkering always cleared his head.  That is what he was doing, when Wilf found him.  Wilf was so much like him:  more excited about being in space, than afraid of being trapped or stuck somewhere forever.

But, it did not take long for Wilf’s true feelings to be displayed.  He asked if the Master had changed all the deceased humans.  The thought had never crossed his mind, but now that it had, it did not take him too long to piece everything together.  The horror of it struck him.  Because of how the Gate worked, of course it would have transformed everyone, living or dead.  The Gate “healed whole planets.”  He could not, would not hurt Wilf with that information… it was painful enough for him thinking about how long those versions of the Master would last before suffocating.  But he could not ignore Wilf either.  He offer a truth that would tell Wilf everything he needed to know, “I’m sorry.”  And Wilf offered him a truth that he was unable – no, unwilling – to accept, “Not your fault.” 

Then Wilf did what all those who have seen war seem to do when they encounter someone who just might understand, he started to share his experiences.  At first the Doctor was going to continue with his tinkering, but he quickly changed his mind, he owed Wilf this much… to listen to his story.  At this point, it is really all Wilf has left.  Wilf became self-conscious and offered the “old man’s tale” excuse for the Doctor to quiet him.  Because right now, Wilf and he were more similar than different and besides, Wilf had listened to him at the café, the least he could do was return the favor.  Wilf was a bit taken aback by the idea of someone being over 900 years old.  Yet, he had an awareness of how short his life-span must seem in comparison, “We must look like insects to you.” 

In the back of his mind, he heard an echo of Adelaide’s voice questioning him, “Little people?”  In that moment, he realized a truth about himself:  the reason why he came to Earth after Gallifrey had been destroyed.  It was not so much that he had spent almost more time on Earth than he had on Gallifrey - it was because, “I think you look like giants!”  Those words spurred something in Wilf, he reached in a pocket and drew forth a gun, offering it to the Doctor.  There was no way he was going to take the gun, but Wilf seemed insistent.  So, he called Wilf out, “You could have shot him.”  Wilf met his eyes and with his quip-ness answered, “To scared, I suppose.”  That encouraged the Doctor to offer a level of honesty he was not even sure he had shared with Donna, “I’d be proud… If you were my dad.” 

The Doctor’s eyes were misting over.  He knew he had lost his father forever, but Wilf, the father of his best friend, a man who would sacrifice himself rather than harm another living creature… He admired that, he wanted to be like that himself.  He caught something shadow Wilf’s face and he wondered briefly if Sylvia was as harsh with her father as she was with her daughter.  Then, he wondered if Wilf longed to hear those words as much as he did.  But then, Wilf, Wilf as brilliant as Donna had put everything together.  He offered the gun again, “Then kill him first.”  If it had been anyone other than Wilf, the Doctor would’ve launched into a tirade about how the humans are always killing first and asking questions later.

Instead, the Doctor looked at Wilf and said what scared him more than anything, “That’s how the Master started.”  If he followed the Master down that path, he would never be able to save him.  Somehow he knew that saving the Master was imperative for his own survival.  Wilf looked at him as if it was all about killing and the Doctor was compelled to share the whole true with him, “I’ve taken lives… Manipulated people into taking their own.”  There, he had said it.  Though the Time Lords would have punished him for interfering on Mars, he held himself accountable at a higher level.  What he did to Adelaide Brooke was… simply the worst thing he had ever done.  He would not admit it in so many words, but he deserved death for those actions.  Wilf was again half-heartedly offering the gun.  The Doctor knew if he took that gun, it would seal the Master’s fate forever.  He would not do that… not when there was still a chance the Master might be redeemed.

Then Wilf challenged him.  Again he was reminded so much of Donna.  He tried to lie, “I don’t know.”  As Donna so often did, Wilf saw right through it… actually that is why he did not lie.  He just was not good at it.  So, he answered Wilf’s question, knowing what Wilf would ask of him… knowing he would have to turn Wilf down.  The Doctor had to hold himself in check as Wilf broke down in front of him.  His emotional honesty; it was one of so many things that would make him proud if Wilf were his dad.  The Master’s voice cut across the emotions.  Gallifrey’s return would be the only thing that would ever encourage him to take up arms again.  They could return before he destroyed them the first time.  Which meant, he would have to send them back.  He would have to send them to their destruction.  It was almost like having to kill them twice.

The Master had saved him, but only to sacrifice himself.  He would go back into the Time War and die with the rest of them.  This time, the Doctor would be truly alone.  But he had survived.  He would live.  The prophecy had been changed; rewritten.  He is not sure he has ever felt so happy in his life.  And just as he is starting to enjoy it… he hears it… a soft gentle tap.  A request, not a demand.  His hearts sink.  He sits up and looks over to see Wilf waving at him.  _Wilf, oh, WILF!  Why does it have to be YOU?  I do not want you to be the bringer of my death.  I would be proud to have you as my daddy and I do not want to burden you with causing my death_.

Those are not the words that escape his lips, though.  His anger and frustration comes out in the worst way.  And he realizes he has just thrown a temper tantrum in front of the man he realizes he loves like a father.  Perhaps that made it easier to do that.  He says to himself, reproaching the anger he revealed, “Lived too long.”  He slowly approaches the device.  He will not let him die like that.  He cannot.  Wilf is begging him not to… but how can he not save the man who would be his surrogate father?  He is a Time Lord at least he has a chance of surviving.  Wilf… the radiation would kill him for sure.  Wilf is still begging him not to.  So he offers him what he wishes he could have done for his own family, “Wilfred, it’s my honor.”


	9. One Last Trip...

He smiled softly as he watched her disappear... His Rose.  He had a moment of bitter-sweet remembrance as he watched her climb the stairs.  Then, the pain over-took him.  He did not have much time now.  He used the wall to help him and he turned the corner.  As he glanced out across the street, his beloved TARDIS seemed miles away. 

His vision was already starting to go blurry, a side effect of all the cells in his body getting ready to change.  He had never experienced it quite like this before.  Usually by the time he got to this stage, he was either unconscious or in the TARDIS, where she made things a bit easier for him.  He had to get to her.  It would raise too many questions if he regenerates where people can see him.  Besides, if he can make it to her, perhaps he can hold it off just a little bit longer.

The pain and agony forces him to the ground.  As he lands there, memories come flooding back to him:

A field of red grass beneath a burnt-orange sky.  Him and Koschie running and screaming at the top of their lungs to make as much noise as possible.  That scene faded into him and the Master playing their chess game across the galaxies.  Having him in his mind again after so many years of silence - even if it was the mind of a madman.  The past few hours and how they had confronted each other as they had so often on Gallifrey.  Saving his life - yet again... and the Master making the final sacrifice... sealing himself in the Time War forever.

That is when he hears it.  A song in his head.  At first he thought it was the telepathic equivalent of hallucinations.  But then, he closed his eyes tightly and when he opened them and looks up, he sees Ood Sigma.  At first he thinks it may just be the effects of his regeneration, but then Sigma speaks, "We will sing to you, Doctor, the Universe will sing you to your sleep."  As he started to hear the song in his mind he gains a renewed strength.  He stands, never taking his eyes off Sigma.  Afraid that if he does, Sigma will vanish and he'll again be on his own. 

Then he shifts his gaze and sees the TARDIS before him... She is waiting for him.  With the strength of the song to support him, he takes step after painful step.  Sigma's voice breaks across the song and his concentration, "This song is ending, but the story never ends."  If he weren't so focused on getting to the TARDIS he might have paused to have a discussion with Sigma about mixing his metaphors like that.  But, he does not have time.  There is never enough time.  But this time, he really is out of time.  He takes step after painful step.  He refuses to let the Ood think they are letting him down. 

As he takes the last 16 steps, each step seems to bring a memory from Gallifrey.  The way they teased him at the Academy.  The way he had become a renegade and had no choice but to run away.  His beloved Susan choosing to come with him so he was not alone as he stole the TARDIS. The punishment of forced regeneration (well at least this time he was saving a life).  The Time Lords playing Intergalactic Yo-yo with his life and his TARDIS.  The way they summoned him to do their dirty work, time and again, with not so much as a thank you.  The pain and suffering that rose within him each time he sought their approval, being the dutiful child.  The thanks they paid him for his years of service by putting him on trial.  The way the Time Lords seemingly forgot him for years, but some how the Daleks always, always found him.  The way even the Daleks used him by granting the Master's request that he take the remains home.  The way the Time Lords turned to him during to War: to fight, to kill, to bring it to an end.  The brief moment of solace he attained within himself when he thought he would die with the rest of them.  The deafening silence that filled his head when he realized that he had succeeded in every way but one.  Suddenly having the weight of the entire universe on his shoulders, because there simply was not anyone else left.  Their return, his mix of horror and joy (Oh how he wanted to see his beloved family again!).  The ultimate rejection when Rassilon was sentencing him to death.

He made it to her... the TARDIS waiting patiently... but to him, she looked not like home, but his tomb.  He opens the door slowly, taking in that this is the last time he will enter her looking like this... being this man.  Once he is inside, he falls against the doors.  He takes a few breaths... he does not want it to end like this.

_I am here, my Doctor.  With you.  Come closer, please.  Feel my glow soothingly upon your skin._

He looks up at the Time Rotor.  There is a defiance in his eyes.  He wonders if this is what Donna felt like when he wiped her memories.

_Come closer, please, Doctor.  Let me help you..._

He knows he cannot ignore her.  Even if a part of him wants to, she will help.  But, it will not be enough.  Not this time.  The ramp seems almost insurmountable.  And he did something he's never done:  he used the ramp rails not to control his erratic movements, but just to be able to move at all.  He never takes his eyes off of her.  She is all he has right now... all he has left... again!

_Yes, but we are together... we are always together, dear Doctor... Speak to me, say something... say anything!_

In reply, he repeats an action he has done so many times... it is another action he will do for the last time.  He removes his overcoat and tosses it onto the coral strut.  He just cannot manage words right now.  No matter how much he wants to.  Then the first glows of the cellular excitation began, distracting him from his ship.  He really does not want to do this.  He is still hoping and wishing for another way.  He ponders sadly, that it would be his Left hand that starts it... his right had is newer, if even only a few hours, it would hold out a bit longer.  He begins to move around the console and releases the handbrake.

_Doctor... What are you doing?_

He cannot answer her... he is actually afraid that speaking might speed up the process.  He does answer her, though.  He owes her that much.  He hangs his head, the energy and emotion of it almost too much, " _One last trip_."

_I don't think that's a good idea..._

He again looks up at her, " _It doesn't matter what you think this time, it is what I want_."  They are in orbit around the earth.  He moves away from the console, though he is not sure why.  He is not even fully expecting the regeneration to work.  He expects that the radiation will somehow interfere and this is in fact, his death.

_You won't die, though... let me help you!_

Panic and fear surge through him as he stands there.  He feels all of his cells beginning to change, from the inside out.  The horror that this may be his final death surges through him and he utters his last words, "I don't wanna go."  Now, his whole body is starting to experience the change, but only the TARDIS is present as witness as the glow consumes him.  He decides at the last minute that he would rather be dead than "saunter off" as some new man. 

_No!!! I WON'T LET YOU!!!!_

She had never done this before.  She had never interfered with his regeneration, save to make it a little more kind.  The force of the regeneration, combined with the battle of the two wills at odds begins to combine and rip the mechanics of the ship apart.  The battle seems to rage on for hours, though it was probably mere moments.  It was like a tug-of-war... each one trying for victory.

_I promise you!  It will be alright... just... let... GO!_

With a final agonizing pull, the Doctor releases himself... and transforms in an agonizing, terrifying scream.  For the first forty-three point twenty-one seconds, the Doctor was oblivious to the turmoil around him.  He was too engrossed in his new body.  He was not dead!  And he was not regretting not being dead.  The TARDIS, however was another matter.  As the Doctor was trying to remember something important that had happened during the regeneration, the TARDIS broke in, crying

_HELP ME!_

He realizes what is happening, but he is too delirious having lived through another regeneration to be concerned.  It was another exciting adventure.  The TARDIS was hurling through space towards the Earth, attracted by the strong gravitational pull.  She had many concerns going through her.  She did not know how she was going to protect her Doctor since all her defenses were now destroyed.  She did not know if she would survive falling through the Earth's atmosphere.   She had convinced him to live only to die herself....


End file.
